Got all the checks out on the smaller bills today. Got a cashier's check to overnight to Memphis on Monday. Got two direct debits that are happening on Monday. After that no more debt. And $2200 left over from the back pay with my next payment being on the 4th Wednesday of the month.
Using some money I had saved up I went to Goodwill and bought some glasses, bowls, forks, knives, and spoons. Then to Walmart to buy the bulk of what you need for a new apartment set up. Toaster, rice cooker, crock pot, dish drainer and various cleaning supplies.
Talked it over with my father. I found a place that is in the town of Oak Creek. He's willing to co-sign or even sign on it since the funds are guaranteed. It's on the Milwaukee County bus route. Within walking distance of grocery stores and other shops.
skipped back 20
Sat, Jan. 10th, 2009, 07:44 pm
Bills Getting Paid. Purchases Being Made. Apartment Hunting Started.
Thu, Jan. 8th, 2009, 06:15 am
I'm Faux Rich.
I got a call from my advocate informing me the funds have been deposited in my account, however it was not the account that I gave them when I filed the forms. My father spoke with social security and had it go to an account outside my control before I could lay a finger on it. Which is his job now. My manager.
However the Advocate wants to be paid, but my father doesn't want to give them the new account information. So we have to make a deposit in my old account for the amount they dictate. I can't even check the balance because I don't know the account number.
A new plan is forming. One of which I have no part of. My father wants to keep me in Wisconsin. He is dictating goals and guidelines for moving out. I was hoping for around March but it may be longer. He wants me to buy furniture first. Which hopefully won't be too bad. I'll probably use the Salvation Army. I'm not too picky. My current assignment is to make a list of everything that I think I will need so we can buy it all before moving out. So when I do get the apartment all I will need is groceries.
Also my dad got a pamphlet stating all the rights he has as a payee with my money. They get $0.55 a mile to cart me around. Which I guess is fair. There will be a lot of ledgering on their part however though. I don't know all the rules. I hope to find out tonight.
I won't however have insurance until 2010. Which sucks. I just hope my anxiety doesn't evolve into hypochondria before then. I can't remember the last time I went to a doctor outside of my shrink. Just my bi-yearly labs cost me $186 on Tuesday.
Basically things are looking up somewhat. Being managed somewhat annoys me. But I understand the necessity, I could go manic and blow a month's worth of money. Which has happened several times when I was manic. Once all monthly expenses are paid the rest of the money is mine. I get to use it for smokes and entertainment.
However the Advocate wants to be paid, but my father doesn't want to give them the new account information. So we have to make a deposit in my old account for the amount they dictate. I can't even check the balance because I don't know the account number.
A new plan is forming. One of which I have no part of. My father wants to keep me in Wisconsin. He is dictating goals and guidelines for moving out. I was hoping for around March but it may be longer. He wants me to buy furniture first. Which hopefully won't be too bad. I'll probably use the Salvation Army. I'm not too picky. My current assignment is to make a list of everything that I think I will need so we can buy it all before moving out. So when I do get the apartment all I will need is groceries.
Also my dad got a pamphlet stating all the rights he has as a payee with my money. They get $0.55 a mile to cart me around. Which I guess is fair. There will be a lot of ledgering on their part however though. I don't know all the rules. I hope to find out tonight.
I won't however have insurance until 2010. Which sucks. I just hope my anxiety doesn't evolve into hypochondria before then. I can't remember the last time I went to a doctor outside of my shrink. Just my bi-yearly labs cost me $186 on Tuesday.
Basically things are looking up somewhat. Being managed somewhat annoys me. But I understand the necessity, I could go manic and blow a month's worth of money. Which has happened several times when I was manic. Once all monthly expenses are paid the rest of the money is mine. I get to use it for smokes and entertainment.
Fri, Jan. 2nd, 2009, 04:58 am
Facts and Figures.
In 2008 I spent 8 days involuntarily committed, 5 days in a temporary housing center, 7 days alone and manic in a motel away from my sister. And 45 days in alcohol rehab.
Now I just want this business with disability to get over with so I can move into my own place where I can keep to myself and live alone. As soon as they find out I haven't slept tonight they are going to be concerned. I am sick of making them concerned.
Now I just want this business with disability to get over with so I can move into my own place where I can keep to myself and live alone. As soon as they find out I haven't slept tonight they are going to be concerned. I am sick of making them concerned.
Thu, Jan. 1st, 2009, 10:01 pm
Not sorry to see 2008 go.
Horrible year. Relapsed several times. Several psychotic episodes. Stress from living with family. Endless waiting and boredom.
Didn't get to go out New Year's Eve. Not that I could have had much fun sober. I would have been compelled to drink. So probably best I stayed in.
Found out more about my disability claim Wednesday. Because of the nature of my disability I have to have a payee, someone that manages my money. Makes sure my rent, utilities and food gets paid for. Then whatever is left I get like an allowance. So the arrangement with my dad is probably going to last for the rest of his life, unless I get better.
I also found out since I had the Boy, Gabrielle will need to go into a Social Security office and fill out forms. So now I have to wait till she finds the time to do it. Which I feel bad about. I'm sure she has better things to do. Oh and the case worker won't be back in the office till after the 7th, so everything is still on hold. I just want this to be finished, so I am free of the advocate. They are getting enough money as it is.
Didn't get to go out New Year's Eve. Not that I could have had much fun sober. I would have been compelled to drink. So probably best I stayed in.
Found out more about my disability claim Wednesday. Because of the nature of my disability I have to have a payee, someone that manages my money. Makes sure my rent, utilities and food gets paid for. Then whatever is left I get like an allowance. So the arrangement with my dad is probably going to last for the rest of his life, unless I get better.
I also found out since I had the Boy, Gabrielle will need to go into a Social Security office and fill out forms. So now I have to wait till she finds the time to do it. Which I feel bad about. I'm sure she has better things to do. Oh and the case worker won't be back in the office till after the 7th, so everything is still on hold. I just want this to be finished, so I am free of the advocate. They are getting enough money as it is.
Tue, Dec. 30th, 2008, 02:32 am
Good day today.
Got to play Final Fantasy XI for many hours and got my Warrior up to level 16, also got the attack skill Iron Tempest, which does extra damage. Techno gave me a little help in the beginning with 20,000 gil. I am relatively well armored but can't get my hands on a better weapon. They are having a return to Vandiel program and everyone is reactivating their characters. So the auction houses are practically devoid of weapons and armor. Now I am just stuck on a mission trying to rescue a missing soldier. No matter how slowly I take it, and I am doing it 4 levels higher and with much better gear and abilities and knowledge than the first time. I still can't do it alone. I will probably need Techno to change to a White Mage and heal me as I go through it.
Ran some errands with mom this afternoon. The roads had finally cleared enough she felt safe driving, but claims she had anxiety for not driving for a week.
Then this evening I went out with Kelly and Dee to celebrate Kelly's birthday. We went out for steak and then to Dairy Queen. I gave her my 1st gen 2 gig iPod nano as a present, she's buying an FM tuner for her car so she can listen to mp3's on the way back to Florida. When ever that is.
No sign of my disability money yet. Checked three times in the last twelve hours. I did however use my unemployment check to pay off $157 to JC Penny for the wedding gift I got Techno and Catrabbit. So no more credit card debt. As soon as the balance is reading 0 I am closing the account.
Downloading is frustrating me. I am trying to get the entire first season of Damages before the new season airs and am stuck on infinite time for download on episodes 8 and 13. Also after removing software deleting files, moving files. I still have a mostly full C:\ drive. I can't figure out why. I did disk clean up and defrag, which did help with some of the slowness. But can't find what's filling the drive. I wonder if torrent files are accumulating somewhere I just can't find them. I can't find a spot they would be going to in my bittorrent client so I might have to ask Squidget if she has an idea.
Ran some errands with mom this afternoon. The roads had finally cleared enough she felt safe driving, but claims she had anxiety for not driving for a week.
Then this evening I went out with Kelly and Dee to celebrate Kelly's birthday. We went out for steak and then to Dairy Queen. I gave her my 1st gen 2 gig iPod nano as a present, she's buying an FM tuner for her car so she can listen to mp3's on the way back to Florida. When ever that is.
No sign of my disability money yet. Checked three times in the last twelve hours. I did however use my unemployment check to pay off $157 to JC Penny for the wedding gift I got Techno and Catrabbit. So no more credit card debt. As soon as the balance is reading 0 I am closing the account.
Downloading is frustrating me. I am trying to get the entire first season of Damages before the new season airs and am stuck on infinite time for download on episodes 8 and 13. Also after removing software deleting files, moving files. I still have a mostly full C:\ drive. I can't figure out why. I did disk clean up and defrag, which did help with some of the slowness. But can't find what's filling the drive. I wonder if torrent files are accumulating somewhere I just can't find them. I can't find a spot they would be going to in my bittorrent client so I might have to ask Squidget if she has an idea.
Mon, Dec. 29th, 2008, 12:23 am
Father's decision.
I had become impatient and decided fuck it I want to move out. No waiting. I have been waiting a year. We argued about it. He doesn't want me to fall flat on my face and him have to bail me out again. They can't afford it any more. Which is a valid concern.
So here is the new arrangement. Which I was forced into agreeing to. Otherwise the possibility of coming back will never be an option, should emergencies dictate.
Conditions:
1.) Pay off advocate: This will be easy, once I get the money deposited (which has been delayed by Federal holidays Thursday and Friday) I just need to call them. They will debit it from my account.
2.) Pay off all bill collectors: I will be keeping about $8000 or so. My bills come out to $7000. Plus I plan on seeing if the larger ones will settle. I owe one hospital $3994.94 and another $1150. I am going to see if I can shave off 25% of the bill. This will save me $1285. Which goes to point 3.
3.) I need to have two months of disability checks saved up. A total of $3200. I'll have $2285 hopefully by the end of December. My next check will be in January on the 3rd or 5th for $1668.
4.) I need a enough for first and last months rent. So I will apartment hunt throughout January and get the place in February. I am looking for rent between $500 and $600 a month.
5.) Once I move out for the first six months I am not handling payments on the utilities or the rent. My future payments will be deposited into a joint checking account, my father will pay the bills for me to make sure they are on time and the rent. The remainder of the money will be divided by 4 and deposited weekly into my current checking account. This is to prevent me from over spending should I go manic.
I am not totally thrilled with this. True I will have more freedom. But they will still have elements of control over my life. My father said this was all necessary because Utah didn't work out according to my plans. How was I supposed to foresee Unisys splitting into a subsidiary and giving us crappy insurance making it impossible to afford my meds?
But on the bright side I will be able to smoke again. Which will be nice. And I will be in Milwaukee, which has a lot more to offer than Racine.
I just need the money to hit my account so I can start writing checks.
So here is the new arrangement. Which I was forced into agreeing to. Otherwise the possibility of coming back will never be an option, should emergencies dictate.
Conditions:
1.) Pay off advocate: This will be easy, once I get the money deposited (which has been delayed by Federal holidays Thursday and Friday) I just need to call them. They will debit it from my account.
2.) Pay off all bill collectors: I will be keeping about $8000 or so. My bills come out to $7000. Plus I plan on seeing if the larger ones will settle. I owe one hospital $3994.94 and another $1150. I am going to see if I can shave off 25% of the bill. This will save me $1285. Which goes to point 3.
3.) I need to have two months of disability checks saved up. A total of $3200. I'll have $2285 hopefully by the end of December. My next check will be in January on the 3rd or 5th for $1668.
4.) I need a enough for first and last months rent. So I will apartment hunt throughout January and get the place in February. I am looking for rent between $500 and $600 a month.
5.) Once I move out for the first six months I am not handling payments on the utilities or the rent. My future payments will be deposited into a joint checking account, my father will pay the bills for me to make sure they are on time and the rent. The remainder of the money will be divided by 4 and deposited weekly into my current checking account. This is to prevent me from over spending should I go manic.
I am not totally thrilled with this. True I will have more freedom. But they will still have elements of control over my life. My father said this was all necessary because Utah didn't work out according to my plans. How was I supposed to foresee Unisys splitting into a subsidiary and giving us crappy insurance making it impossible to afford my meds?
But on the bright side I will be able to smoke again. Which will be nice. And I will be in Milwaukee, which has a lot more to offer than Racine.
I just need the money to hit my account so I can start writing checks.
Wed, Dec. 24th, 2008, 04:47 am
Finally.
Social Security approved my disability claim. With the back pay after paying off the advocate I will have enough money to pay off all my bills. My bankruptcy also dropped off my credit record yesterday. So things are looking up. I am debating my next move. I was toying with the idea of moving to Mississippi to finish school. But now I am anxious. Utah didn't work out well. I had a very bad experience where I went psychotic and was trapped 900 miles from home paranoid, stuck in the corner of my room having auditory hallucinations. Fortunately I had a friend who was able to get off work and take me to the emergency room. I wouldn't have anyone I could trust in Mississippi.
Also there is the matter of car insurance I tried getting a quote through Progressive, based upon my lack of car insurance currently, combined with a reckless driving ticket, multiple accidents in the last three years, they estimated my monthly insurance payment would be about $385 a month for liability. Which is a huge hit on what I would be raking in.
I think I'm just going to have to accept the fact I need to live near family at least for now. I might as well start getting residency established here in Wisconsin after the holiday so I can go to school in the next year.
There are apartments in my price range on the bus line in Milwaukee. I wouldn't need a car. I might even buy a bike.
I figure I can move out of my parents place by about April. Which won't be too bad a wait.
Also there is the matter of car insurance I tried getting a quote through Progressive, based upon my lack of car insurance currently, combined with a reckless driving ticket, multiple accidents in the last three years, they estimated my monthly insurance payment would be about $385 a month for liability. Which is a huge hit on what I would be raking in.
I think I'm just going to have to accept the fact I need to live near family at least for now. I might as well start getting residency established here in Wisconsin after the holiday so I can go to school in the next year.
There are apartments in my price range on the bus line in Milwaukee. I wouldn't need a car. I might even buy a bike.
I figure I can move out of my parents place by about April. Which won't be too bad a wait.
Mon, Dec. 22nd, 2008, 04:07 am
Cold and tired.
-4 degrees with windchill -23. My room is the only warm room in the house. Funds are so tight we can't keep the house heated above 66 degrees, I have a small personal heater that my parents don't object to me using, considering this is the coldest room in the house without it, but I am sure they wouldn't be happy with the fact I haven't turned it off once today because I haven't gotten warm.
Haven't slept normally for a week. Getting 2-3 hours per night because of the mania, then 12 hours when depression hits, now my schedule is so screwed up I am mentally exhausted but my body doesn't want to give up. Ambien hasn't helped at all.
So I just watch downloaded television. In the last week I have watched last season's Lost. Two seasons of Pushing Daisies. Season 2 of Weeds. Season one of True Blood. Seasons one and two of Californication. The first ten episodes of Fringe. Still waiting on the Sarah Connor Chronicles, been waiting six days for the download. I am also waiting for seasons one and two of Dexter. And am currently downloading F/X's Son's of Anarchy since I didn't watch it when it was on. After that I am going to watch last seasons Damages.
Haven't slept normally for a week. Getting 2-3 hours per night because of the mania, then 12 hours when depression hits, now my schedule is so screwed up I am mentally exhausted but my body doesn't want to give up. Ambien hasn't helped at all.
So I just watch downloaded television. In the last week I have watched last season's Lost. Two seasons of Pushing Daisies. Season 2 of Weeds. Season one of True Blood. Seasons one and two of Californication. The first ten episodes of Fringe. Still waiting on the Sarah Connor Chronicles, been waiting six days for the download. I am also waiting for seasons one and two of Dexter. And am currently downloading F/X's Son's of Anarchy since I didn't watch it when it was on. After that I am going to watch last seasons Damages.
Fri, Dec. 19th, 2008, 01:00 am
Can't sleep.
Well I got some sleep about 2 hours today. But not the previous 3 nights. The mania is escalating to painfully annoying. Been going on since Monday I think. Since I have been awake all this time I have been watching a lot of downloaded television. Pushing Daisies, House, Fringe, last season's Lost. Now I am downloading the first Season of Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles. If it's any good by episode 3 I will start downloading the second season. I am also downloading Californication.
I have had some productive moments. I got my unemployment fixed so I get the 7 week extension. So I will have money for the Boy's Xmas. Unfortunately I haven't heard back from Gabrielle yet on what to get him. I don't want to duplicate a present since he has four sets of grandparents, a family, and me.
So far this episode hasn't been too bad. It was fun the first two days. No delusions or hallucinations despite lack of sleep. Still racing thoughts and really elevated mood.
The snow started. We are getting a foot tonight. And snow Saturday and Sunday. So I guess that makes today Friday. So I will be trapped in here for two or three days.
Probably in bed once the inevitable crash from the mania happens.
I have had some productive moments. I got my unemployment fixed so I get the 7 week extension. So I will have money for the Boy's Xmas. Unfortunately I haven't heard back from Gabrielle yet on what to get him. I don't want to duplicate a present since he has four sets of grandparents, a family, and me.
So far this episode hasn't been too bad. It was fun the first two days. No delusions or hallucinations despite lack of sleep. Still racing thoughts and really elevated mood.
The snow started. We are getting a foot tonight. And snow Saturday and Sunday. So I guess that makes today Friday. So I will be trapped in here for two or three days.
Probably in bed once the inevitable crash from the mania happens.
Sat, Dec. 6th, 2008, 08:58 pm
Making changes.
Went to an AA meeting tonight without being forced. I just had nothing to do, no one to talk to, and I didn't want to be alone. So I went. I feel a little better having done it. I still don't buy what they are peddling. And the only thing I said was my name and that I passed on sharing (they were discussing Steps Six and Seven which I am not even sure what they are I only know up to five.) Plus it gave me the opportunity to smoke which I am always for. Dad didn't even seem really pissed off that I smoked at the meeting, after all everyone was. Peer pressure.
There is another club my psychiatrist has been urging me to go to for six months. I am going to call and arrange an appoint for a tour on Monday. Maybe just getting out a couple of days a week will improve my mood. Eventually I will get comfortable enough to be social. I did get social again while in rehab. True it was with small groups up to ten. But it's a start.
I sent an apology to the Svengali for pissing her off when I relapsed. No idea how that will go over. I don't even remember what I wrote to piss her off, but the conversation ended with us saying fuck you to each other.
Chandra I tried to get a hold of to find out what was going on but was unable. I just want to know if she is using me to rebound because despite everything I am relatively safe compared to who she is usually attracted to.
There is another club my psychiatrist has been urging me to go to for six months. I am going to call and arrange an appoint for a tour on Monday. Maybe just getting out a couple of days a week will improve my mood. Eventually I will get comfortable enough to be social. I did get social again while in rehab. True it was with small groups up to ten. But it's a start.
I sent an apology to the Svengali for pissing her off when I relapsed. No idea how that will go over. I don't even remember what I wrote to piss her off, but the conversation ended with us saying fuck you to each other.
Chandra I tried to get a hold of to find out what was going on but was unable. I just want to know if she is using me to rebound because despite everything I am relatively safe compared to who she is usually attracted to.
Sat, Dec. 6th, 2008, 01:00 am
Bleakness.
The feeling of extreme isolation is back. Also the holidays aren't helping. I have alienated several people. I relapsed once already.
I'm tired. Life is stagnant. Unchanging. And I can't do anything about it. Just wait.
Got called about my resume today. I may have to interview which is filling me with dread. I'm not sure if I can handle 40 hours a week of someone constantly watching me to make sure I am doing what I am supposed to. Even when they aren't there are other employees watching waiting for me to screw up something.
I used to be able to do it. But I was drinking then. I could take the edge off. No matter how bad the day was I was blissed out of my mind by 9PM.
Now I just suffer whatever my brain chemistry chooses to do at the moment. If seratonin drops it's depression: obsessing over the past, flogging myself with 'What If' games, telling myself I am better off away from my friends (I'm an unstable element, who could go off in a number of ways, without warning, or much provocation). Then there are nights like tonight when I remind myself there is a reason all the medication in the house is locked away. The seratonin and neuropronephrin could go up mania: can't go anywhere, can't sleep, full of energy, so full of that until it starts to burn, and I fall into a pit of exhaustive despair.
I tried with Chandra but that isn't going to work either. I'm going to end things with her on Monday. I thought another bipolar would be the answer but all we ultimately do is fight. Plus she is still heartbroken over her exfiancee that beat her having to go to jail on an unrelated charge. I don't want that kind of insanity.
I'm told not to think about alcohol. I'm taking medications to curb cravings. Which does work. It doesn't help with missing the self destruction I was bringing on myself, it was liberating. Blocked out the guilt sometimes. Or made it ten times worse so I could really feel it.
The meds numb everything. But they are keeping me in line. I'm not doing stupid things. I'm not using people. I just wish I could drink with them.
Hate the AA meetings. Stuck going to those for a long while. Therapist said not to expect disability till July 09. Which means more waiting. Unless of course we enter a Depression in which all bets are off the table. I'm just screwed.
Rambling now. Meds are kicking in which means sleeping. Which means another day will start. Which means being in a room. Listening to music. Not living.
I'm tired. Life is stagnant. Unchanging. And I can't do anything about it. Just wait.
Got called about my resume today. I may have to interview which is filling me with dread. I'm not sure if I can handle 40 hours a week of someone constantly watching me to make sure I am doing what I am supposed to. Even when they aren't there are other employees watching waiting for me to screw up something.
I used to be able to do it. But I was drinking then. I could take the edge off. No matter how bad the day was I was blissed out of my mind by 9PM.
Now I just suffer whatever my brain chemistry chooses to do at the moment. If seratonin drops it's depression: obsessing over the past, flogging myself with 'What If' games, telling myself I am better off away from my friends (I'm an unstable element, who could go off in a number of ways, without warning, or much provocation). Then there are nights like tonight when I remind myself there is a reason all the medication in the house is locked away. The seratonin and neuropronephrin could go up mania: can't go anywhere, can't sleep, full of energy, so full of that until it starts to burn, and I fall into a pit of exhaustive despair.
I tried with Chandra but that isn't going to work either. I'm going to end things with her on Monday. I thought another bipolar would be the answer but all we ultimately do is fight. Plus she is still heartbroken over her exfiancee that beat her having to go to jail on an unrelated charge. I don't want that kind of insanity.
I'm told not to think about alcohol. I'm taking medications to curb cravings. Which does work. It doesn't help with missing the self destruction I was bringing on myself, it was liberating. Blocked out the guilt sometimes. Or made it ten times worse so I could really feel it.
The meds numb everything. But they are keeping me in line. I'm not doing stupid things. I'm not using people. I just wish I could drink with them.
Hate the AA meetings. Stuck going to those for a long while. Therapist said not to expect disability till July 09. Which means more waiting. Unless of course we enter a Depression in which all bets are off the table. I'm just screwed.
Rambling now. Meds are kicking in which means sleeping. Which means another day will start. Which means being in a room. Listening to music. Not living.
Sun, Nov. 23rd, 2008, 11:59 pm
Depression setting in.
Back in the old routine. Which is unsatisfying. I don't want to live here is the short of it. Another unsuccessful week of job hunting. Not that it will matter much by next month once the snow sets in my ride won't leave the house. My unemployment runs out next week. So I am just left with food stamps which are only good for food. Not bills.
Still waiting on Disability. My life is so sad I paid someone I know $20 to drive 15 minutes and pick me up and covered her dinner so I would have something to do. She's thinking of moving to Miami and wants me to go with her. She asked how much I would be getting from Disability and when. So I told her. She immediately wanted half of it and she would deal with all the aspects of moving and getting a place. I was all for the plan until she wanted the $20.
I'm only her friend if she needs something. When I met her I was helping her friends move. Then it was painting a friend of her's apartment. She didn't visit me in rehab or even return my emails or calls.
I'm through with her.
My parents want me to stick around here but I want my freedom again. I thought about VA but I can't afford Northern VA on what I would be getting. The nearest I could afford is Richmond. I know a few people there but they are into the recreational use of drugs. I know if I am around it I will eventually start using again.
I thought about Utah. It would be less stressful this time not having to deal with a job and shitty insurance and my meds eating up all my money. But I don't feel welcomed back there. Like it would be better if I just stayed away.
Then I thought about how big a waste this year has been for me. I only worked three weeks this year. Accomplished nothing because of my uncontrolled disorder and fourteen months of alcoholic relapse. I looked into school here. I never got a driver's license, I haven't had a car since February. So I am not a resident of Wisconsin as far as school goes.
I was healthiest when I was working part time and going to school. To do that here I would have to wait another year to afford it. If I move back to Mississippi I can just pick up where I left off. Finish my associates and go to Ole' Miss for my Bachelor's and Master's. I would have my old therapist, old psychiatrist. True I didn't have any friends but I can always join a club. Or just keep going to AA meetings once I leave here.
I doubt I will get the disability in time for Spring Semester. But I should have it in time for Summer Session and I could get some serious bills paid off in that time if I get the disability pay out.
I just wish I didn't hate the South. Of course the weather is more tolerable than the extreme North.
Still waiting on Disability. My life is so sad I paid someone I know $20 to drive 15 minutes and pick me up and covered her dinner so I would have something to do. She's thinking of moving to Miami and wants me to go with her. She asked how much I would be getting from Disability and when. So I told her. She immediately wanted half of it and she would deal with all the aspects of moving and getting a place. I was all for the plan until she wanted the $20.
I'm only her friend if she needs something. When I met her I was helping her friends move. Then it was painting a friend of her's apartment. She didn't visit me in rehab or even return my emails or calls.
I'm through with her.
My parents want me to stick around here but I want my freedom again. I thought about VA but I can't afford Northern VA on what I would be getting. The nearest I could afford is Richmond. I know a few people there but they are into the recreational use of drugs. I know if I am around it I will eventually start using again.
I thought about Utah. It would be less stressful this time not having to deal with a job and shitty insurance and my meds eating up all my money. But I don't feel welcomed back there. Like it would be better if I just stayed away.
Then I thought about how big a waste this year has been for me. I only worked three weeks this year. Accomplished nothing because of my uncontrolled disorder and fourteen months of alcoholic relapse. I looked into school here. I never got a driver's license, I haven't had a car since February. So I am not a resident of Wisconsin as far as school goes.
I was healthiest when I was working part time and going to school. To do that here I would have to wait another year to afford it. If I move back to Mississippi I can just pick up where I left off. Finish my associates and go to Ole' Miss for my Bachelor's and Master's. I would have my old therapist, old psychiatrist. True I didn't have any friends but I can always join a club. Or just keep going to AA meetings once I leave here.
I doubt I will get the disability in time for Spring Semester. But I should have it in time for Summer Session and I could get some serious bills paid off in that time if I get the disability pay out.
I just wish I didn't hate the South. Of course the weather is more tolerable than the extreme North.
Thu, Nov. 20th, 2008, 02:34 am
Developing New Neurosises
Out of rehab since last Friday. I am now 52 days sober. While I was in rehab I had a chance to go to the library three times a week and get in some internet time. Gabrielle sent out an email concerning Prop 8 in California, the proposal to ban gay marriage that the Mormon church invested a lot of time and energy in, that stated for the most part the only reason she married me was that she was coerced by family and friends that marrying me would be best for HER unborn child. This combined with a story Luna told me about the only reason she, being Gabrielle, accepted my marriage proposal because she was afraid if she rejected it I would kill myself.
None of the memories of my marriage are happy now. It was all a lie. If the condom had broke on one of her previous boyfriends and she would have gotten pregnant, she would have ended up marrying them. The end result might have been better. I don't believe any of them were bipolar.
So that was the last week of rehab I have been mulling that over. I did call her and tell her I thought what she wrote was hurtful. She is now avoiding my calls.
Also while in rehab I made up with Chandra and we agreed to take things on a slower basis. She just got out of an abusive engagement. I find out tonight after accepting a friendship request from her for Facebook that she got engaged again today around 11AMish. The whole afternoon of us IMing each other or talking on the phone she fails to mention this to me.
I am starting to have serious trust issues. I'm just being used by everyone it feels like. No one is telling me the truth. I somehow learn everything myself.
Can't sleep now. Too annoyed. I am tempted to just become an utter bastard.
None of the memories of my marriage are happy now. It was all a lie. If the condom had broke on one of her previous boyfriends and she would have gotten pregnant, she would have ended up marrying them. The end result might have been better. I don't believe any of them were bipolar.
So that was the last week of rehab I have been mulling that over. I did call her and tell her I thought what she wrote was hurtful. She is now avoiding my calls.
Also while in rehab I made up with Chandra and we agreed to take things on a slower basis. She just got out of an abusive engagement. I find out tonight after accepting a friendship request from her for Facebook that she got engaged again today around 11AMish. The whole afternoon of us IMing each other or talking on the phone she fails to mention this to me.
I am starting to have serious trust issues. I'm just being used by everyone it feels like. No one is telling me the truth. I somehow learn everything myself.
Can't sleep now. Too annoyed. I am tempted to just become an utter bastard.
Thu, Oct. 2nd, 2008, 03:19 am
Take Back What's Mine.
My new goal. All other entries will be private concerning this matter.
Rehab tomorrow. First Step.
Rehab tomorrow. First Step.
Wed, Oct. 1st, 2008, 02:30 am
Back from Virginia
I've recovered from the withdrawal of all the abuse I have put myself through the last four days. I probably nearly died of alcohol poisoning from the reception. I wasn't holding down water all day Sunday.
My life is a mess. I have to stop drinking. I'm killing myself. I even missed out on a chance to spend alone time with the Lady because I was too hungover and I am angry with myself that I couldn't show any self restraint around an open bar the night before. Once the drink switch is on it doesn't turn off till I pass out or we run out.
I don't think my dream of moderation will ever work. It's going to have to be total abstinence while I'm balanced. I can't guarantee what I will do when I'm out of balance, but hopefully that won't be as often once I'm sober a year.
I leave tomorrow at 12:30PM for rehab. 45 Days. Family only gets to visit on Sundays.
Chandra called tonight drunk out of her mind. She's off crack but making up for it by drinking. I'm going to tell her to go away when I get back. Kelly wants me to move to Florida and says she can promise to keep me sober, but I don't like the thought of my life being controlled after I get out of here so I will probably pass.
Utah is out of the question. Virginia I got a warm reception, but I think most of that was due to the wedding and it being Techno and CatRabbit's party. So I will still consider there. Not much I can do till January though. Then I might wait a couple of months before making a move at all. I just want to be sure I am ready.
Pills are kicking in. Sleep now.
My life is a mess. I have to stop drinking. I'm killing myself. I even missed out on a chance to spend alone time with the Lady because I was too hungover and I am angry with myself that I couldn't show any self restraint around an open bar the night before. Once the drink switch is on it doesn't turn off till I pass out or we run out.
I don't think my dream of moderation will ever work. It's going to have to be total abstinence while I'm balanced. I can't guarantee what I will do when I'm out of balance, but hopefully that won't be as often once I'm sober a year.
I leave tomorrow at 12:30PM for rehab. 45 Days. Family only gets to visit on Sundays.
Chandra called tonight drunk out of her mind. She's off crack but making up for it by drinking. I'm going to tell her to go away when I get back. Kelly wants me to move to Florida and says she can promise to keep me sober, but I don't like the thought of my life being controlled after I get out of here so I will probably pass.
Utah is out of the question. Virginia I got a warm reception, but I think most of that was due to the wedding and it being Techno and CatRabbit's party. So I will still consider there. Not much I can do till January though. Then I might wait a couple of months before making a move at all. I just want to be sure I am ready.
Pills are kicking in. Sleep now.
Sat, Sep. 27th, 2008, 03:49 am
Anniversary
I am very drunk. I had three bottles of wine at the rehearsal dinner, not to mention the beer afterward. I also had to write the best man's speech for him. So I imagined what I would have liked to hear my best man say at my wedding with Gabrielle, had we not eloped. It wasn't fun writing it but the groom's mother is happy with it.
I got to pick songs for this wedding. The Beatles: Here Comes the Sun was one of them. That was the song playing when we first made love. I'm already planning on a double bourbon for that one. I realize it's pure torture, but that's what I do. I'll never remarry. I mean my god who would have me knowing the awful truth. But these events will continue to happen, I just wish they wouldn't happen on my anniversary. It would have been 12 years today. So 11 years alone. The longest relationship I've had since then was 3 weeks, and that was only because we both worked 3rd shift.
Pills. Not sure if I should be taking them in my shape. But it's a nightly ritual.
Eh. Doesn't matter I can detox at home before going into rehab. There is nothing joyous about today. I will go to Techno's wedding. I will smile. I will shake hands. I will do my reading. But that's it.
I got to pick songs for this wedding. The Beatles: Here Comes the Sun was one of them. That was the song playing when we first made love. I'm already planning on a double bourbon for that one. I realize it's pure torture, but that's what I do. I'll never remarry. I mean my god who would have me knowing the awful truth. But these events will continue to happen, I just wish they wouldn't happen on my anniversary. It would have been 12 years today. So 11 years alone. The longest relationship I've had since then was 3 weeks, and that was only because we both worked 3rd shift.
Pills. Not sure if I should be taking them in my shape. But it's a nightly ritual.
Eh. Doesn't matter I can detox at home before going into rehab. There is nothing joyous about today. I will go to Techno's wedding. I will smile. I will shake hands. I will do my reading. But that's it.
Tue, Sep. 23rd, 2008, 02:06 pm
Rehab and Disability
Well I saw the outline for my disability treatment. It's mostly group counseling and A.A. meetings. Not 100% thrilled about that. I was hoping for more 1 on 1 sessions. I think 45 days worth would have been good for me. There is going to be a delay in me going in, someone sicker than I am took my spot. So I won't be going in until 10/2/08. Which gives me time to recover from my trip. (Detox if necessary there will be a bachelor party and a reception).
As for disability still no decision. The woman I spoke with with SSA today said I shouldn't expect a decision until January. So now I get to make the decision do I still move immediately during the treacherous winter months up here or do I wait for March for the thaw. The plus side of waiting is it gives me two more months to prepare. Fly out in January and buy a car and store it with Techno's family. And February to fly out and find a place to live.
As for disability still no decision. The woman I spoke with with SSA today said I shouldn't expect a decision until January. So now I get to make the decision do I still move immediately during the treacherous winter months up here or do I wait for March for the thaw. The plus side of waiting is it gives me two more months to prepare. Fly out in January and buy a car and store it with Techno's family. And February to fly out and find a place to live.
Mon, Sep. 22nd, 2008, 12:51 am
Should have saved the drinking for tonight.
The Lady had her heart broken, by someone other than Pron. And she came to me for solace or rather trying to understand the rationale behind the jackasses behavior. It is really painful giving love advice to someone you want more than anything. She's now retreated back into Pron's arms. I reminded her that he is a good man and she agreed. So that is it for now.
I don't know why I quixotically pursue this woman. I'll never possess her. All the good traits she mentioned in Pron I don't have. That combined with the fact I am generally unstable it would ultimately fail anyway. With lots of people getting hurt, because I down take down just the other person. Generally everyone in vicinity goes down too.
But I can't bring myself to let go. She's the most amazing person I have ever met. I love her more than Gabrielle. Which probably doesn't bode well either. Losing her nearly destroyed me.
I don't know why I quixotically pursue this woman. I'll never possess her. All the good traits she mentioned in Pron I don't have. That combined with the fact I am generally unstable it would ultimately fail anyway. With lots of people getting hurt, because I down take down just the other person. Generally everyone in vicinity goes down too.
But I can't bring myself to let go. She's the most amazing person I have ever met. I love her more than Gabrielle. Which probably doesn't bode well either. Losing her nearly destroyed me.
Sun, Sep. 21st, 2008, 09:13 am
Tried to apologize to my sister
I thought I had given it enough time to apologize for what I wanted to do while manic when she and her son were visiting. Apparently it wasn't enough time. She thanked me for the apology but said I did threaten her son and she can't forgive me and not to email her again. So oh well. I tried. No point pleading.
I also slept all day Saturday from 6:00AM to 8:00AM Sunday. I just couldn't find the energy to get it up. That and I had been caught drinking again so maybe most of it was motivated by hiding.
I got a list of chores I need to do as punishment, but I guess it beats being thrown out on the streets.
I also slept all day Saturday from 6:00AM to 8:00AM Sunday. I just couldn't find the energy to get it up. That and I had been caught drinking again so maybe most of it was motivated by hiding.
I got a list of chores I need to do as punishment, but I guess it beats being thrown out on the streets.
Fri, Sep. 19th, 2008, 11:38 pm
Written off.
My good friend Irish has written me off. He doesn't believe rehab will make a difference. Detox didn't. Ninety days of AA didn't. Drug therapy didn't. I am going to die from alcoholism.
And he is probably right. I don't feel bad about it. I accept it. I know it will be slow painful and lonely but that is the most likely scenario for my death. Eventually everyone will withdraw from me and it will just be me and a bottle alone. And it will go like that for years until I either drive drunk, which I avoid, or my liver gives out.
I am only going to rehab to make my mother happy, but no one tell her that. I don't think it will make a difference. I am self destructive. My thoughts. My emotions. My behavior. All of it is geared toward destroying myself. I accept this. I hope to hold off long enough to move out before the pattern continues. However I also accept the fact that I might be homeless at some point because of it.
Just a cruel espresso shot of reality.
And he is probably right. I don't feel bad about it. I accept it. I know it will be slow painful and lonely but that is the most likely scenario for my death. Eventually everyone will withdraw from me and it will just be me and a bottle alone. And it will go like that for years until I either drive drunk, which I avoid, or my liver gives out.
I am only going to rehab to make my mother happy, but no one tell her that. I don't think it will make a difference. I am self destructive. My thoughts. My emotions. My behavior. All of it is geared toward destroying myself. I accept this. I hope to hold off long enough to move out before the pattern continues. However I also accept the fact that I might be homeless at some point because of it.
Just a cruel espresso shot of reality.